No More Boring Resumés

To start, did you know that if you hit ALT+130 you get the é for the proper spelling of "resumé"? I've been using it all week.

Anyway, I've started to hop back into the job market. I mean let's face it, when it comes to sales, I'm much better off talking up the products of the company that I'm working for rather than anything I'm trying to convince people about myself. For whatever reason, I'm just better at pitching an established brand, and creating improvements in a model that needs it, instead of creating a brand from scratch. I'm working on building from ground zero, but in the meantime I think I'll stick with what I'm good at: using my talents to promote something that isn't me.

With that in mind, I've started the process of re-entering the workforce. I've passed around some of the standard resumés, but I know that you have to be a step up from normal in order to get the job that you want. As a person who is creative and has lots of ideas, I've had a few opportunities to use this to my advantage in the creation of unique and (supposedly) entertaining resumé examples.

I got the idea for a catchy resumé during a round of StumbleUpon, and I came across this article that showed me a bunch of different ways to branch off the blazed trail. While a lot of these are printed resumés, some of them are web-based. But I found out that I had a different limitation in passing my resumé through to the companies.

If you submit an application through LinkedIn, you get to see if they view it. Furthermore, you attach a custom cover letter to whatever custom resumé you want to pass through, unlike Monster where you have to have the resumé uploaded to the site and then pick it from there, which I'm not a fan of. There's just one problem, you have to keep your resumé under 200k file size.

Now, if you have any experience creating PDFs (which is the only file format allowed that lets you be creative on LinkedIn) you know that keeping a PDF under 200k, especially one with images and multiple fonts, can be a challenge. I've been successful with this a couple of different times. Here's my first attempt, with my application to PowerChord, for the position of Email Marketing Specialist:

That's pretty neat right? Use a standard envelope template, that makes sense doesn't it? Add in a few images and some custom typography, and you have a resumé that is relevant yet unique, and it was definitely hard to keep under 200k. It took quite a few configuration and compression changes to get it there, but I did it. I submitted this one on December 8th and they viewed it the same day. It's been 10 days, so I hope that the only thing keeping them from ringing me is the fact that the holidays are now in full swing.

The next custom resumé I created was a doozy. There's a company called FairWarning that handles privacy breach detection solutions for the health care industry. This position was for Marketing Content Manager, which included the responsibilities of copywriting, SEO, creating web pages with HTML, experience with a CMS, Adobe Photoshop, etc. Basically all the things that I have experience with. So in order to show them the level of effort I was willing to put into filling this position, I created an entire website that essentially scraped their code and replaced all the mentions with my name and information. It took me all day to recreate the site, do the graphics and write the copy (all the things they wanted, right?) and then I submitted it. Mind you, I submitted it the day after they listed the position, to show them the amount of work I could do over the course of a single day. They still have yet to view the application, and I've emailed them a couple times with no response. I'm really hoping that they at least take the time to look it over, I'd hate to feel like I put that much of myself into applying for a company that doesn't even bother to look at what I've tried to show them.

I even put a click-to-call application right on the home page, and there is a very liberal amount of contact information spattered all over every single page. So there's really no reason to think that they couldn't get back to me. I'm certainly willing to give them the benefit of the doubt though and put this in the same category as the first, and that they're waiting until the holidays are over before they start the hiring process. That seems reasonable enough. I submitted this one on December 10th. It's only been 8 days, and I try to follow the Seth Godin rule of not worrying about it (though my options on deadlines are running a little thin these days).

This last one I did pretty recently, and right now it's also my profile picture on Facebook (a modified version of it anyway). As someone who believes he is worthy of a job that pays six figures, I applied to 6FigureJobs.com, who posted a position for Online Marketing Manager, another role that I could fill nicely. Granted, I don't think that working for this company assures me a 6 figure salary, but I can see the potential there, so I created this second PDF resumé to pass along to them:

Now this is the modified version that's also on Facebook, but you get the idea. It's hard to fit a lot of information on a template like this, but I'm hoping that I put enough, and made it interesting enough, to spark some interest for a subsequent interview. I submitted this one just a few days ago on the 15th and they viewed it the same day. I'm expecting a call next week.

Now, my thinking on this is that what I've submitted is innovative enough to warrant at least a phone call from the companies I've applied to in this case, but what do you think? Would you cast aside these attempts as too gimmicky to consider, or would they pique your interest and put me in the running that much more? Honestly, I'd love some feedback on this, because I really don't want to be wasting my time coming up with creative output when what I should be doing is blanketing every single place I apply to with the same old boring plain-text 4 page novella. 

Physical Education

There has been a convergence between education and technology over the past 10 or so years that has brought the idea of schools to an interesting crossroads. The idea that kids have to go to a building and sit in a class with a teacher in order to learn is quickly becoming an outdated method. In fact, it is increasingly becoming quite apparent that continuing with this antiquated form of teaching has its limits.

The state of our country, with regards especially to the more recent presidencies, has shown that the first thing to go when budgets are to be cut is education. Educators are forced to take lower salaries and a higher number of children per class. Our daughter is in 5th grade this year, and she is in a class with 39 other kids! If you believe that a teacher can effectively teach 40 kids simultaneously, then I'll show you a person who is getting paid per child to teach at a private school.

So what do we do instead? The answer is hard to reach at this point because technology isn't quite at a place where everyone can do their jobs from home. However, there are certainly many careers that can take place from your house. Long gone are the days where everyone must show up at a building for work, and the same is beginning to happen with children too. We just haven't reached that critical point where the majority of people can stay at home with their kids and do their jobs at the same time. That's what we'll need in order to make this transition to virtual schooling.

In the meantime, there is plenty that we can do to start kicking kids into higher gear when it comes to making good grades. For starters, we need to bring the same gamification that is apparently the next big thing into education.Why is it that schools are still the only place in life where we are not publicly being compared to the rest of the world? For all the people out there with a million Twitter followers, or a house in the Hamptons, or the Call of Duty kill champion, we still treat a child's grades like they were national classified secrets?

Kids these days don't feel the need to do well in school. I don't blame them. Every day we see a new billionaire that got to where they were by applying ZERO of what they learned from kindergarten through high school. The economy is in the dump, but we don't teach a mandatory economics class. We don't teach debt management, our computer classes are glorified typing courses, and where, for the love of God are the high school business classes? We expect kids to get out of school, where in the next 10 years they will most likely have to start their own business just to HAVE a job, and we don't teach them how to start one. It's pathetic.

Right now, my stepdaughters go to Chocachatti Elementary in Spring Hill. It's nice and all, and one of the more interesting things about the school is a thing they call "micro" in which all the kids have to apply for a "job" like creating clay sculptures or hall monitor or whatever, and they earn "micro dollars" that they can spend during the fairs that happen I think twice a year. I'll admit it's better than most public schools in that regard, but it still doesn't teach them the real thing they need to know: that they'll be fighting tooth and nail just to GET a job when they get out of high school. All of the kids are given jobs, none of them are turned down. There is no "micro unemployment". It's essentially the 80's all over again for kids.

The solution, therefore, is to create an atmosphere of competition that will force the kids into bettering themselves so that they can capture the jobs that they want. At Chocachatti, the application process is a good start, it makes the kids list why they should be picked, but it doesn't really require any previous experience or qualifications. I mean why would it? These are 1st to 5th graders after all. They don't have any.

And that is where the problem is. We need to start treating grades like we would treat a mayorship in Foursquare with badges and awards, and make them public for the school to see. Hell, make them public for the entire web to see. It's time we stop treating these kids like they are all special little snowflakes. We need to make them determined to beat out their fellow students. With the way we have it now, the kids only need to be worried about what their parents are going to think when the report cards come home. How would they do if they had to answer to the whole school? Or the whole world? Maybe they would try a little harder.

I know what many of you are going to say: that doing this will cause more kids to feel rejected or embarrassed or dumb. But that's the point, nobody got anywhere in life without a little public pressure, and kids are going to be teased anyway by other kids, it doesn't matter whether it's their grades, or their skin color, or their way with confrontation. One way or another, bullies will find ways to be bullies. We're not giving them any more ammo than they would already have.

We're at a definite crossroads here in America, and it's time we start treating our children like they really are our future. If you want to put the future into the hands of a bunch of self-reliant, responsible, ambitious Americans, then start treating them like they are. Otherwise, you'll end up with a bunch of whiny, entitled slackers. My generation, and certainly the generation that is coming after us is a good indicator of the fact that this is already happening. Let's get back to having standards again, we've got technology now for that, we don't need the government to tell us what a smart person is.

And hey, maybe if it means that your kid will end up looking like a complete dumbass, you'll spend a little more time helping him with his homework now. It can't hurt.

Retiring The Beast

I've been using the same computer for work and play for a little over 4 years now. It's been quite the trooper. I've only had to format it and reinstall the OS a couple times due to "Blue Screen of Death" errors, probably due to the occasional virus that slipped through the cracks. I'm usually pretty good at avoiding them between Malwarebytes and my own knowledge of what not to click on during the course of a web session.

Up to this point, I've been pretty protective of The Beast. I don't really let too many other people use it, with the exception of my wife when she needs to, and I've let my eldest stepdaughter on it a couple of times to play some of the more graphic-intensive games. You see, I got this box from the Dell Outlet for a shade over $500 (without a monitor or keyboard or anything) back in the day. It's a Quad Core Q6600 with 2.4Ghz per core, packing 3 gigs of RAM and a 256MB NVIDIA graphics card. Suffice to say, it's the most powerful computer in the house by a long shot.

These days, the kids want to play more and better games, and I really didn't need such a powerhouse machine to do my office work, so I've gone ahead and done the noble thing. Tomorrow I'm replacing the Game Room computer (which isn't very good for games at all) with my beloved Beast and hooking a Dual Core with 3 gigs of RAM and no graphics card up here in the office. It's really more than enough for what I do on a daily basis, and maybe a clear slate will help me focus on work, rather than offer me the delightful temptations of distraction that The Beast does. After all, it does play games so well. :)

So then, so long to a good friend. You won't be far away, but it'll never really be the same without you. I'm happy enough knowing you're finally going to get to put your chops to the real test: Tween Gamers...

Ditch the Losers

A fellow online marketer recently gave me some great advice on Twitter. His suggestion was that we should "ditch the losers" in our streams. So I unfollowed him. Was that being a little too literal with his guidance? Maybe, but it just proves how careful you should be with what you write on social media platforms, especially when they're a source of business for you.

Honestly, the main reason that I unfollowed him was because everything he said was a catchphrase version of marketing happy-speak. In other words, if you have basic experience in online marketing or just an above-average amount of common sense, you won't get anything useful out of his posts. I get it already, water is wet. Obvious marketer is obvious.


Here is a shining example of one of his many genius contributions to the interwebs:

Now, watch how I can take the exact reverse of it and create a perfectly legitimate piece of "advice" as well:

That sounds perfectly rational, doesn't it? And yet, it seems to be in complete contrast to the tweet from Ronald. The reason for that is because neither piece of advice means shit.

Let's dissect Ronald's tweet in order to get an idea of where he might be going with it...

The tweet has 3 distinct sections:

• Engage all the senses

• in marketing

• when ever possible.

Engage all the senses

Don't we basically do that every day in every situation anyway? I honestly have no idea what it means, even in relation to the other two parts. How do I engage them? In conversation? Or is it more like how the Millenium Falcon uses its hyperdrive?  There are 3 definitions for engage on Dictionary.com for when it is used with an object. 

Whether or not your senses can be considered as an object is yet another mystery that reinforces the ambiguous nature of this statement. The first definition is obviously right out. The second would seem to make the most sense (no bolded puns intended) but like I said above, we use our senses every hour of every day, so that point is moot. The third, to attract and hold fast, almost works, except that it would be redundant. How can I attract or hold fast a metaphysical perception system whose singular purpose is to attract me and hold me fast to other things? It's a paradox.

Furthermore, the use of the word "all" is also redundant. There's no need to "Engage ALL the senses" since you never stop using any of them. You can't turn individual senses on and off at will without being conscious about it (e.g. plugging your nose, putting earplugs in, etc) and if you can then I want someone to teach me how to do that. 

I probably just put way too much thought into 4 words but hey, that's what I do.

in marketing

Considering that everything he talks about is based around marketing advice, there's seriously no need to add "in marketing". Doubly so for the fact that the first and third sections of the tweet still could go together and be just as relevant and effective a message. My first response to this was that he should have made the word "marketing" a hashtag instead, but apparently by the time I had written up to this part of the blog (an hour later) he had already done that in a similarly useless tweet:

To be fair, the tweet isn't completely useless. It does serve to get him into the advertising and marketing follow threads, but does it really provide any value for the follower? This particular tweet is stereotypical "Marketing 101" drivel. If you've owned a business and/or have ever done your own marketing, you get this concept without having to be told. Now I may just be holding humanity to a higher expectation of intelligence than it truly deserves, but if you really need this kind of reminder to understand that advertising ≠ marketing, then you probably shouldn't be in either of those fields, nor should you be handling it yourself if you need them.

I digress though. Case in point, "in marketing", totally pointless.

when ever possible.

It's sort of a bitch move on my part to put on the Grammar Nazi helmet (again) and point out that he's using the improper version of "whenever", but whatever. I think it's probably best to point out instead that most people, upon receiving good advice, employ it at any time possible. The way that this ending goes after the other two wraps the tweet up in a nice little bundle of social sewage that fills up the loser ditch real quick.

The blog has effectively come full circle. You may now commence drinking your Kool-Aid.

Confucius ♥ Twitter

By this time you're probably wondering if this scathing review of a simple tweet has any of its own advice to offer. I'm glad you asked. Here are my suggestions for how to properly use Twitter to gain a following for reputation or business purposes. You should only use a couple of these conventions at a time though, otherwise you'll just look like a spammer. Of course, if you are a spammer, feel free to use all of them simultaneously. 

They are also all based on how not to annoy me.

Link to Content

For the love of all that is sacred and holy (and 140 characters or less) if you are unable to sum up your message in the limited amount of space that Twitter gives you, link to a web page about it. If you are concerned that your links will take up too many of your precious characters, don't worry. You can use a service like Bit.ly to shorten your links manually, or just let Twitter handle it automatically. It depends on how much you're planning on measuring the metrics of these links. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then just let Twitter do it.

You see? It IS actually possible to fit a link and a complete thought into one of these puppies!

#Hashtags

Hashtags are Twitter's way of organizing content based on category. They are similar to the tags you would find in a blog, or the field names of an excel spreadsheet. They allow people to follow a theme or topic instead of a person (or your followers). Use hashtags only when it makes sense to use one (i.e. - when it is the core idea behind your post). Hashtags are a great way to meet new people with similar interests to you as well, which is useful if you use Twitter for business. It doesn't hurt either that, for some strange reason, using a hashtag makes your tweet convert better. 

It's best to try and only use one hashtag per tweet, but sometimes you can get away with 2 or even 3 provided they are part of the actual dialogue. A good rule of thumb is if you can put it at the end of your message, do that. Here's a good example of a tweet that utilizes both the content link as well as a hashtag at the end:

Of course, personally I would have shortened the link, but Design Modo has plenty of room to work with after the headline that refers to the content (plus the URL is branded). The #communitynews hashtag is one of their built-in post categories, which makes it easier for members of their blog to get an idea of what to expect when they click on the link. All of this contributes to a tweet that brings in more traffic and gets a higher rate of conversions.

@Mentions


When someone mentions you on Twitter, they use an @ symbol then your username. You can track this by looking for the link on your feed. You can also set up notifications for it on your phone. There is a million different ways you can tell if someone is talking about you on Twitter. Whether you care about anybody talking about you on Twitter is another thing entirely, but that's up to you.


Hold conversations with people using the @mention. Or don't, sometimes having a conversation on Twitter is like having a conversation with someone's answering machine. It doesn't always work and it feels weird when you're attempting it. You're better off using Facebook or Google+ for actual conversations. Or a phone.


All in all, using Twitter is a relatively easy process. It's a great platform for people who like to talk a lot, and it's a nice place to find others who share the same interests as you. It's also a great place to get advice, but only from people who don't sound like they're full of shit. The hard part is telling the difference. Just like the real world! So I leave you with this...

JUST BECAUSE IT IS ON THE INTERNET

DOES NOT MEAN IT IS TRUE!!!

Candidness

For years I've been puzzled at people's attempts to keep certain things under wraps. As someone who has lived his life under what I can only assume are honest intentions, the idea of keeping things from the people you trust has seemed like a foreign concept to me. That's why I still get taken a bit aback at the concept of being candid with others.

The unfortunate downside that comes with having to question consequences is hesitance to repeat the same mistake twice. That can be true of any outcome, regardless of severity. It has taken a good many years for me to separate probabilities from morals. I'm guessing that happens with at least some of you, I'd hate to feel like the only forthcoming person I know.

Of course, the occasional omittance is forgiven, or even expected in certain situations. Maybe that's the difference between myself and the vast majority of people. My sense of caution is turned down in the presence of truth (or at least what I perceive truth to be) because I figure the truth is never questionable. It's always a matter of perception, and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not exactly the most relatable person in the world, for one reason or another. I definitely seem to possess the empathy for such situations, but I believe my view of the situations themselves is skewed. Could be partially both. Who knows really?

I guess the point is, that no matter how you take in a situation, you're never going to witness it exactly the same as someone else. With that in mind, you need to take a delicate stance when deciding what to discuss with others. There are times when it can benefit you or destroy you, and there are times when saying nothing at all is much more prudent, I'm hoping to eventually figure all that out. Typically I have a gift for good timing, but nobody's perfect (especially with 4 or 5 beers in them) so the best you can do is have a good head for damage control. Sort of ironic really since the more damage you put in front of yourself, the better you get at handling it.

So fail early and often, as they say. Sooner or later, it pays off.

Internet Kismet

I think one of the more interesting things about Facebook is when I see two people, both of whom I have known for years but have never met each other, suddenly hooking up. I have narrowed down this anomaly's cause to be one of three potential possibilities:


1. Fate
2. The Butterfly Effect
3. The fact that I lived 25 years in a state with the 10th lowest population


Regardless of the reason, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume this didn't happen as often 20 years ago, when the "internet" as we know it was just getting its wings to take dream, and social media meant seeing a movie with a friend. Hell, I'm living proof of the new way of things. I met my wife on MySpace.


Douglas Adams, who you may know as the author of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, wrote a lesser known series in which the protagonist solves crimes based on the interconnectedness of all things. That was back in 1987. If only he knew about what you could find with Google in 2011. It isn't even a radical concept anymore. Pretty much every existing thing that anyone knows about at all is on the internet in some shape or form.


The real question is whether or not this amazing development is the result of an evolutionary improvement or if it is even making us smarter at all. It's hard to look at a news feed or Facebook wall these days without thinking we've somehow taken a step back. And yet, there's really more to it than enabling the idiots en masse.


Will a swift insurgence of stupidity cause a decline in civilization? On the one hand, it's hard to miss the physical manifestations of it. Crime, ADHD, the Teletubbies, etc. These things are the by-product of a rapidly progressing species I think, so there's some hope that right now we're just evolving quickly and weeding out the crap as fast as we can. Can't get it all at the rate it comes at us yet. That could be wishful thinking too. I don't exactly hold out a lot of hope for mankind in general.


Despite that cynicism, it's still interesting to see what the internet has forced us into becoming: honest citizens. Everything from Facebook making us use (even WANT to use) our real names and destroying the idea of privacy as we know it, to the idea of employing a Google search to find a person's every misstep in life, people are starting to come around to the idea that we've built our own traffic cameras to catch ourselves with. That simple outcome at least gives me a chuckle since I can't tell if it's just completely ironic or destiny at work. Either way, we seem to have kicked ourselves in the mouth with a shoe full of crow. Strangely, for the better.